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Love Lessons Learnt From Film: Unlikely Ways to Get The Girl

13 February 2012

Do you freeze every time a foxy lady walks your way? Do you inevitably spill mustard / gravy / curry sauce down your front when you’re on a date? Never fear.

Movie men have done far less winning things and still walked away with the girl of their dreams. Helen Cox, author of the soon-to-be released book True Love is like the Loch Ness Monster and Other Lessons I Learnt from Film advises one or more of the following ploys to secure some hot property this Valentine’s Day.

Offer to wash a woman’s windshield. Twiggy has one of the most iconic faces of all time. What are the chances of her walking off into the sunset with a man who only owns one suit, who only eats dry white toast and who “quite frankly smells bad”? Well, if he’s willing to wash her windshield, quite high as it turns out. Elwood Blues of Blues Brothers fame fills up Twiggy’s car and checks under the hood at her request even though he doesn’t even work at the gas station. He then goes the extra mile by offering to “wash the dead bugs off the windshield.” Servicing a woman’s car enables you to ooze masculinity whilst at the same time seem sensitive to her needs. This is probably why Twiggy finds herself waiting for Elwood at the motel he suggested a few hours later. Simple but effective.
Marry a woman’s sister. Slightly more high-maintenance than the first suggestion but no less effective if it’s done right. In America’s Sweethearts John Cusack marries Catherine Zeta-Jones but, after a drawn out will-they-won’t-they divorce situation, Cusack later ends up with the woman playing her doting and dutiful sister: Julia Roberts. How in the world does that work? Quite simply, it’s the forbidden fruit effect. You have to be careful, however, not to fall in love with someone who has a nice sister. If the object of your affection has a nice sister then your new wife will never take you for granted or leave you for another man and you’ll never have grounds for a divorce. So go forth and find your true love, but whilst you’re at it check out her sister. 
Challenge a woman to a duel. There’s a thin line between love and hate, it’s true. Especially if you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brigitte Neilson in Red Sonja. Sonja seems to have a deep disdain for men, probably because they’re always trying it on with her, and thus has little time for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s over-confident start with. When he challenges her to a sword fight, however, she’s able to get a lot of the anger (probably caused by sexual frustration) out of her system and when both of them run out of strength to swing their swords they decide to smooch instead. Trust me. All you need is a couple of swords and a small clearing...that sentence sounded less smutty in my head.
Erase a woman from your memory. Clementine and Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind erased themselves from each other’s memory after an ultra-agonising break-up. Erasing their memory should have separated them forever but instead it made them realise that they were going to lose something they simply couldn’t live without. This is a good one for anyone in a rocky relationship trying to get back in favour. Sometimes you don’t realise what you’ve got till it’s gone, as Joni once sang, and the threat of that person being erased forever might be just what you need to strengthen your relationship. Naturally if this process doesn’t bring you back together then it won’t really matter anyway because you won’t remember anything.

Hold a ghetto blaster over your head. If all else fails try this one on for size. It’s the iconic scene in Say Anything. John Cusack is standing there in an unbecoming rain coat holding a ghetto blaster over his head whilst “In your eyes” by Peter Gabriel spews out of the speakers. This move has been referenced in the likes of Spaced and Night at the Roxbury so it’s got to be on the up-and-up. You’re even at an advantage to John Cusack because you don’t have the distraction of trying to convince everybody, quite unsuccessfully, of the fact that you’re a kick boxer. You will look pathetic, you will lose your last shred of dignity but that unattainable girl will be yours, oh yes, she will be yours. Just make sure you choose a fitting song. Anything by Right Said Fred is probably off the playlist.

Click here for a free sample of True Love is Like the Loch Ness Monster and Other Lessons I Learnt From Film.